I'm a what now?

It's always the usual routine, growing up in a church, when someone tells your parents how great of a kid or a guy (or girl), you are. It the whole thing of standing there like a doofus as the adults talk like you are not even there. You're parents share the joys of having you as a child, even though you've caused them nothing but hair pulling moments time after time, and then the person continues their praise of you until the the embarrassment bar in your brain is full. Like I said, this happens all the time growing up in church.

Now, with that said, my growing up has been riddled with constant self depreciation, in that I've always felt I have never been good enough at doing anything. I just try my best, sometimes. Now I know this is an issue in of itself, but I won't get into that now. Just trying to preface that I haven't always thought so highly of myself.

So like I said, growing up in church, I experienced that embarrassing moment of people bragging about you. At least I find it embarrassing, I'm a super low key guy. But anyways, as I got older no one could call me a kid anymore, because I was coming out of that stage of life. The term, Good Guy, would come up. I wondered if maybe I was part of a failed electronics store? This was happening as I was getting into my late teens and on into my twenties. Some say you usually feel younger than what you are, and in my case I did. I've never really felt like an adult. Could be it's because I haven't fulfilled the adult stereotypes that are the norm, or what use to be the norm, here in America. For me though, I never saw myself as anything really, just myself. I enjoyed what made me me as a kid. Didn't really try super hard to be with the cool crowd. In fact I got sick of them and tried to avoid them. I kept to myself and enjoyed the things I enjoyed. So for someone to brag on me, I would tend to get a little embarrassed.

So yeah, you figure I'd be used to the routine, but I guess you never get use to it.

So here I am at prime age of 24. I had asked my dad if he could pick me up from work since I was working late and the metro system is useless past 8 pm. So on the way out we ran into one of the guards at work, who is one of my favorite co-workers, and I introduce them. Then it happened. It was one small word, but it hit me like a dude punching Snooki. The words I didn't expect to hear came out of my co-worker, Ben's, mouth. "He's a good man." Cue the proud father routine and the then embarrassing moment for me. But as that was happening I started thinking about what Ben said. That one three letter word that separates you from the boys and makes you responsible, and how you should now wear slacks, have glasses and smoke a pipe while reading the paper. I didn't expect that word to feel so weird. I never really tried to be a man. I never try to act a certain way, or try to be like other people. I was just being me, the guy that thinks not much of himself. But it occurred to me. I am out there. I am making moments happen in the world. I am now responsible for the actions I make and the wake that they leave behind. I am in a position of leaving a legacy behind, and I am accountable for what I leave.

It's a scary thought, seeing how I'm still trying to get a grasp on how to live my life. How to make my moments count. How to live a better story, as Donald Miller would say. All I can do is just keep trying, and not give up on myself, like I would always do. That is how we make it through in life. We have to keep moving. Even if you crash, just finish.