I'm a what now?

It's always the usual routine, growing up in a church, when someone tells your parents how great of a kid or a guy (or girl), you are. It the whole thing of standing there like a doofus as the adults talk like you are not even there. You're parents share the joys of having you as a child, even though you've caused them nothing but hair pulling moments time after time, and then the person continues their praise of you until the the embarrassment bar in your brain is full. Like I said, this happens all the time growing up in church.

Now, with that said, my growing up has been riddled with constant self depreciation, in that I've always felt I have never been good enough at doing anything. I just try my best, sometimes. Now I know this is an issue in of itself, but I won't get into that now. Just trying to preface that I haven't always thought so highly of myself.

So like I said, growing up in church, I experienced that embarrassing moment of people bragging about you. At least I find it embarrassing, I'm a super low key guy. But anyways, as I got older no one could call me a kid anymore, because I was coming out of that stage of life. The term, Good Guy, would come up. I wondered if maybe I was part of a failed electronics store? This was happening as I was getting into my late teens and on into my twenties. Some say you usually feel younger than what you are, and in my case I did. I've never really felt like an adult. Could be it's because I haven't fulfilled the adult stereotypes that are the norm, or what use to be the norm, here in America. For me though, I never saw myself as anything really, just myself. I enjoyed what made me me as a kid. Didn't really try super hard to be with the cool crowd. In fact I got sick of them and tried to avoid them. I kept to myself and enjoyed the things I enjoyed. So for someone to brag on me, I would tend to get a little embarrassed.

So yeah, you figure I'd be used to the routine, but I guess you never get use to it.

So here I am at prime age of 24. I had asked my dad if he could pick me up from work since I was working late and the metro system is useless past 8 pm. So on the way out we ran into one of the guards at work, who is one of my favorite co-workers, and I introduce them. Then it happened. It was one small word, but it hit me like a dude punching Snooki. The words I didn't expect to hear came out of my co-worker, Ben's, mouth. "He's a good man." Cue the proud father routine and the then embarrassing moment for me. But as that was happening I started thinking about what Ben said. That one three letter word that separates you from the boys and makes you responsible, and how you should now wear slacks, have glasses and smoke a pipe while reading the paper. I didn't expect that word to feel so weird. I never really tried to be a man. I never try to act a certain way, or try to be like other people. I was just being me, the guy that thinks not much of himself. But it occurred to me. I am out there. I am making moments happen in the world. I am now responsible for the actions I make and the wake that they leave behind. I am in a position of leaving a legacy behind, and I am accountable for what I leave.

It's a scary thought, seeing how I'm still trying to get a grasp on how to live my life. How to make my moments count. How to live a better story, as Donald Miller would say. All I can do is just keep trying, and not give up on myself, like I would always do. That is how we make it through in life. We have to keep moving. Even if you crash, just finish.

a moment with the stars...

It was a scary feeling, standing there staring up into the night sky. It's always an amazing sight for someone who grew up in the light polluted city of Los Angeles, to see the abundance of stars that are riddled through the sky. It's as if someone took all the diamonds in the world and threw them into the atmosphere.

So standing there, my neck cranked so far back, as if I was hit with an uppercut, gazing into the Arizona sky is when I felt a feeling I never felt before. Now granted, I've seen the amazing night sky that is untouched by city lights before, but never have I felt so small looking at them. At the same time though, it was as if I was standing on the world's end, one step away from jumping into outer space. I felt like I could just jump and traverse galaxies. Fly and become an explorer of the stars. Life felt so small. It felt like nothing else mattered. I could see myself searching the unknowns of space. I felt like time had no meaning, just the amazing wonder and glory of the masterpiece that God created. Then suddenly I see the stars pulling away and space no longer was a footstep away. Back on solid ground, neck getting sore and someone calling me to help with something. My moment, in what I like to think was outside of time, was now that, a moment.

This past weekend a friend and former co-worker of mine passed away. It's had me thinking about life and how short it really is. How we are so consumed by each moment that we are living, and thinking that we need this new gizmo or that we should start saving up for this car, that are lives pass us by and they just become, moments. What moments are worth remembering? I ask myself this. All the time I am questioning whether or not my life is being lived as if it had any meaning. I wonder what the point of it all is, or how do I get my life to make sense? But I'm starting to realize that we waste these moments, asking these questions. Make your moments worth something. Be remembered as someone who lived their life and not asked it into oblivion.

We are all on a journey through life, but what is the goal exactly? Is it the something you're out to attain, or is it the growth of your character that happens as yo.u live to attain it?

It's hard not to get hung up on yourself in life, but when you stop thinking about yourself, you start to find that life is really big and there are moments to be made.

As always, I don't write this thinking I am giving advice to you. This is advice for me and I'm just sharing.

love songs

So last night I attended a church service with a couple of friends. We had been hanging out all afternoon, having a good time and all that fun stuff. So sometimes it's hard to get into the mindset of church mode, especially when already having gone that morning. This was my initially thought to my jadedness of the first song that was sung. I felt somewhat annoyed. Then I figured it's me being stupid and using my excuse of having worked at this church and being jaded by everything that they do. I pushed past that thought only to come to the realization that I was really bothered by the words in the song.

Now, I do like a certain style in worship, but I've been around long enough to know that musical stylings is not the heart of it, and that worship goes beyond the songs we sing before the service. But these words, they were banging around in my head as if someone shot a gun inside a metal room to watch the bullet ricochet. I slowly became aware of how self focused the song was. I heard the word 'I' too many times for me to be able to focus on God. It felt like the writer was just talking about them self and then threw in a little something for God at the end of the verse. This then got me going on a snow ball effect. While all this was going on I started wondering how many other songs have I aimlessly sung along to that had a similar type of lyric. I started going over my favorite worship songs in fear that I would find my annoyance in the ones I really liked. Then I stumbled across another thought, one that never really had occurred to me. At first I was horrified by it, only to remember something I had heard recently. I can't remember it word for word, but the idea was that worship is like admiring the significant other. How both men and women are different in how they receive compliments, and how God is the same way. God has the qualities of both masculine and feminine feature in which we are to worship. Essentially our worship for our significant other is the prime example of how our worship is for God. Bride and groom complimenting each other as Christ and the church do.

This new thought of worship songs made it all make sense. And it's funny how in my 5 years of playing on worship teams, it took this moment for me to realize it. Our worship is a love song to God. Whether it be in song or our lives, we are singing love songs to God. Now like I said, this at first horrified me. I instantly thought of that stupid Justin Bieber song with his incessant use of the word 'baby' in it. But then I thought of how, out of passion, one writes a song deep from the soul for the one they love. That yearning desire to be with their love, translated into words, played along with the melody of soul, made into a song from the heart. Whether in literal song or action, that is worship.

So, in my 5 minutes quest to see if I was offensive to myself, I find that the songs are not written for the self. Some may be bothersome, but it's not my place to be bothered. All I can do is worship God, even if I don't agree with something I hear because it's not about me. I'm there to sing a love song.

A Little Bothered....

Am I the only person who has a problem with the reaction of the over turning of this proposition. Granted there is a political problem in over ruling something a majority voted on but that's a whole different topic/issue. 

I'm really bothered by the victim card that Christians are playing. Acting like this is an assault on Christianity and life in general. Putting your faith into political issues is something that stands on a fine line.  It's easy to put it in terms for feeding the poor and caring for others less fortunate. But it really gets hairy when you use faith as ammunition to go up against people who could care less about what you believe. I think this is where we really screw up. We were called to show God's love to people. How can we do this when we use God and the bible as ammunition against people who don't understand love. Is our view of love that one sided?  How is mounting a campaign of negative ads and appearing arrogant showing love?  People complain that the media portrays Christians in a bad light, but have we done anything to prove them wrong?  The realm of politics is one that is full of mud slinging and hatefulness. Is that an arena we should've entered?  

Now yes, I believe marriage is a beautiful picture of God's grace and love for us, that is meant for man and woman. But what have men and women done for marriage?  Divorce rates are the highest they've been amongst Christians and non Christians. What campaign as the church assembled for this problem?  Because it seems a little quiet on the matter. It just seems a lot like checkin the plank in your eye out before you bring up the saw dust in your neighbor's eye. 

What bothers me even more is how it seems more and more Christians are putting more faith in their patriotism than in God. Seeming to rely more on the power of the republican power than in what God is doing.  Politics are a farse. It's no different than when the Israelites wanted to rely on a king rather than God. Is that where we are?  Have we adopted the colors of our flag instead the symbol of the cross? Have we put more priority on the constitution than God's words given to us?  

What is the solution then? I do not know really. This goes into wisdom beyond my 24 years. What I do know is that as Christians, we should be relying on what God is doing and get involved where God is moving. We need to show people what we stand for instead of what we are against. We need to show God's love and to be the church. 

Love God, love people. 

I write this as a reaction to what I've seen, but directed to how I am. I am the worst offender of this.