things that make writing hard

having no clue what to do
facebook
tv
iPhone
facebook
job
facebook
did i mention being clueless?

ugh, i need sleep

writing writing writing

so the idea has been in my head for a few months, and people are telling me to do it. so i guess i will. i'm currently trying to write a book. i dont know the first thing about how to do it, but im working on it. its times like this that yodas wise words come to mind. do or do not, there is no try.

so there you have it. if anyone really cares, please pray for me with this. i dont want to do this for the sake of doing it. i want this to mean something.

here we go

art of conversation

now i am by no means saying that i am an expert on a fruitful and prosperous conversation. in fact i am quite terrible at holding a good conversation. i have a tendency to ramble about random crap, i dont do well with spur of the moment thoughts and i tend to bring up scenarios from movies or shows that i enjoy. as fascinating as i find conversation to be, i also see it as a weak point, almost a fear. it says so much about who or what you are. the very language we speak is a definition of our being. though as much as i fear conversation, i do love to be around it.

the best part of conversation is listening. you can learn so much by listening. you can learn about the life styles of people who are different from you, you can learn the views of others who you may not agree with. You can learn how to strengthen the relationship of your loved ones and you can learn a lot about yourself.

in recent months ive have been on somewhat of journey of myself. trying to find my place in all of this. life all of the sudden became very bleak and unsure. it felt like i was heading in a direction that almost felt like entrapment. my days were constantly assaulted with me questioning my beliefs, my friends, my life and my relationship with God. heck even working at a church i felt this way, but more so when i stepped out of an environment i knew my whole life. at first i seemed grounded in my beliefs, but slowly i started to look around me.


like i said, i was never well trained in the art. i like to think im a good listener but, i suck at it. and this is very evident in my conversations with God. i would always go to God, like most people, with my problems, my requests and my hoping that his will would guide me to the thing i wanted. but i never really went just seeking him. you know my whole life growing up in church ive heard the term ''seek God'' and it just sorta became a catchphrase of the christian lingo. i never really understood what it meant.

i recently read one of donald millers books where he talks about how our life is like a metaphor. how God shows us his love through our lives. look at relationships, that of friends or lovers. we love to interact with them, to draw close to them, to know them. this is evident with the way our society has become. we are constantly connected to our friends through texting, facebook and other avenues of social networking through technology. the effort we make to stay in touch, to know our friends is the same way we should put our effort into seeking God. we stay up til the late hours on instant messengers and texts messages, or we will leave random videos on our friends facebook wall just to be silly and goofy with each other. these interactions with our friends, the conversation we have with them, the time we spend with them is in essence the same way God wants to spend time with us, and us with him.

conversation is a beautiful metaphor of God's love for us and a gift we should thank him for every time we are engaged with friends, family, strangers and God. it's a great gift God gave us to be able to go to him, even though we dont deserve it.

i find it interesting how small things can upset me. things that looking back on it i realize how stupid it is to get worked up over it. it amazes me how my first instinct pulling up to my house is that of anger and frustration of lack of parking. yelling at cars taking up space where i would like to set my vehicle, then turning around to find parking elsewhere, only to find someone claiming a spot as i turn the corner. i drive by yelling yet again. all this just so it can take fewer steps to get to the house. convenience. that was my goal.

in life, especially mine looking back, convenience is a common goal, but one that is never possible to a lifestyle opposite a couch potato. we want things the easy way, at least i know i do. we want answers to a test, to be good at guitar, easy money and so on. we want the answer to the meaning of life. we want it all... but life isn't that way. we look for the easy way only to find it's the wrong way. to find that we wasted so much time, so much life, so much of our story. life is essentially a story, one that we are living out. and like everyone else, we all love a good story. a story with substance, character, adventure, love, tragedy, risk. these things make a great story. ask the same question for life. what makes a good life? i personally don't think i can answer that myself at this point in time. i do know from what i've been learning the past 4-5 months is that life, a life that you can present to God at the end of all things, is one of risk, faith, obedience and love. and just the basics of those can be hard. i just have to take it one day at a time and trust God.

i feel like i have so much more on my mind, but i will keep it at that.

Reflecting

Good byes are an interesting thing. They can be casual and they can be sad. They can be flirty and they can be harsh. But it all depends on the relationship. Right now the good bye on my mind is one of the hard ones, the one where a close friend leaves. He's coming back, but it still hard. I'm happy for him because it's an exciting opportunity for him. But in a way, the person I know won't come back. He's going to be different. You may disagree, but it's true. He is going to grow as a person and there will be something new in his eye. I'm just sad that I won't be able to experience that with him, but sometimes we all need to go off on our own journey.

It makes me sad to know I can't call him up to hang out, but I am excited that he has been given this road in life. But this whole thing got me thinking about good byes in life. How often do we say good bye? How many of them heartfelt? How many of them are said with action more than words? Why are some easier than others? Do we really care, or is it a matter of the relationship? Why isn't every good bye hard? Why are some near impossible?

I got to know this guy pretty well in a period of a few month about a year ago. He was actually on his way over to Japan to be a missionary. He is one of the most easy going guys I've ever met and I wish my time with him was greater, but I knew from the beginning he wasn't going to be around much. So we kept in contact here and there, but as my life went on, and I'm sure his did too, I just didn't really follow up with him. Reflecting on this it has me thinking. Why is it so hard for me to let someone go, but when they're gone I never stay in touch. And I notice that I end up doing this to everyone.

So maybe this is why good byes are hard, because even though we say, 'keep in touch' that it never really pans out that way. Is that how life in general is, or is that just me? I know I can't be the only one. Let's face it, we are all wrapped up in the craziness of our lives. Time is a rare commodity. When we have any it gets swamped by the small things we put off.

Don't let the small things get in the way. Life is so big yet so short to let the small things get in the way. As hard or as easy as good byes can be, don't let them stop you. Cherish each of your friendships, and take what they have to offer, even if they are for a short period of time. Learn something new from each one, and go out an live. Friendship is an inspiring thing.

With that, cherish every moment before the good byes, and look forward to every moment after the hello. Each time is an exciting adventure.

Love ya Louie Bookout, have fun ya lil hum bucker. Can't wait for you to get back.

A Goal

Ok, so I pretty much go about my life taking each day as it comes. Never really work towards anything. So I think it's time I try something new for me. Not really considering this a 'New Years Resolution' but a way to make life be that... life. I like most people get wrapped up in the monotonous pattern of wake up, work, eat and sleep. Quite frankly I'm sick of it, so here are five things that I want to have done by 2010.

1. Volunteer for something outside of church. (i.e. shelter, food bank, etc.)
2. Learn a new intsrument
3. Write a short story for children
4. Take up a cause again
5. Lose 20 pounds. About time I do so. lol

There are other things, but these are the ones I absolutely want to do before the year ends.

Dreams and Voices

So I'm sitting here in my room, on the last hour of the day. Today was the observance of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. Sitting here, listening to Bono sing, reflecting on the day that was had, and throughout this whole day, not once did anything about this man occur to me, until a few hours ago. A dream is being brought to life. The walls of separation are breaking. Tomorrow history is being made.

The impression made by a man with a voice that still echoes to this day, is finally seeing its fruit. How often does a generation get to see the result of such an impact? How often does a generation make an impact? How often do we make impacts? I began to wonder this today as I was walking the exhibits of a museum I visited with friends. As I walked up and down those halls filled with these amazing pieces of work, I wondered if the person who made these works of art ever had the intention having there work on display in a glass box or hanging on a wall, to be viewed by someone like myself. One of the things that really stuck out was a few suits of armor. It made me think of the man who wore it. What was his name? Where was he from? What was his impact?

Now granted we will never say that of Dr. King, but there have been many voices before his. Voices heard and followed, and voices that were heard, yet forgotten or just added without concern into a text book. We all have had an impact in our lives; good ones and bad ones. And let's face it, the bad ones seem to happen more so than the good. So are these social impacts that of chance, or are the formed like the birth of extraterrestrial diamonds in the sky? I believe there is a science to impact. But how could one do so from such lowly circumstances?

It happens through embracing the marks left on your life. Turning your pain into a dream. Giving life to your dream through a voice. A dream with a voice is the start of an impact. Impact creates change. It's up to you how to use it, and what to use it for.

I think this quote is one that I struggle with just out still being young and still developing my voice. "Dream of the world you want to live in. Then dream out loud."


To all my friends, I love you all. We span across the board of the worlds background, and we don't see each other as black or white, Hispanic or Asian, etc. We are people. Say what you want about Dr. King's personal life, but his dream is one that we take for granted, and one that people will fight against. So I thank him and remember his passion and zeal for what he gave his life for.


Now it's time to see how a new man's dream will make an impact.

writing and hopefully for a while this time.

words to be said, but no words are there to say
pain to be felt, but no heart left to feel
songs to be sung, but a voice is silenced
eyes of a witness locked up never to see light again

hands that feed the hungry are bound
feet that assist the weary shackled
love that has no fear has been taken from this place
cast away with no hope insight this day.

light breaks through this place
cracks let in the rays
cold becomes its enemy
dismay turns into glee
heart has been unleashed
hands and feet released
the mouth that was shut breathes sharper than steels edge

love has found a friend
pain now knows sweet liberty
hands hard at work
feet no longer on their knees

eyes that had lost its way have now colors on display
hope has made its way
to darkness on this day
fear that never seized, is now prisoned to itself

love has made its way
it always finds its way
peace brought for all's absolution
joy is here this day